Here's a 7 step process for resolving conflicts that I find quite effective. I found it online, but I find myself doing these same steps when I need to resolve a conflict with someone.
1. Remain calm. Be still and say nothing. Let the storm run its course. Often times the angry person wants to provoke you. Arguing is ineffective because it raises barriers.
2. Let the other person do the talking. He or she will soon grow tired of it. Sometimes that’s all they want. To be heard. To feel important. Everyone wants to feel important. Some people just express it in ways that are counterproductive.
3. Genuinely consider the other person’s point of view. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Never say “you’re wrong.” In fact, try hard to look for areas of agreement and build on them.
4. There’s power in the words “Yes, yes, I see exactly what you’re saying. You mean…….” This shows the other person you hear him/her. That’s all they usually want — to be validated. By agreeing with them, you gradually break down the other person’s anger.
5. If the situation turns verbally abusive, put a stop to it. Firmly but calmly state: “You’re very angry right now and you’re saying things you don’t mean (give them the benefit of the doubt). I’m going to excuse myself. We can talk again after you calm down.” Then leave the room or ask them to leave.
6. If you are wrong, quickly admit it and take responsibility. You could say, “You’re absolutely right, it is my fault and here is what I’ll do to fix it.” Even if you’re NOT wrong, at least give them the benefit of the doubt, “I may be wrong, let’s look at the facts together.” It’s hard to argue with that!
7. Use the power of visualization. If you’re dealing with someone you interact with on a daily basis (like a boss or co-worker), try to imagine that person as a loving spiritual being. I did this with a boss I had at a Wall Street bank several years ago. He was an absolute tyrant and gave everyone a hard time. In retrospect, he was clearly unhappy and insecure.
Like I said earlier, I really like this method. It is a very peaceful method that helps you resolve disputes fast. When I'm playing any game, especially in gym class, I get too competitive. I often say things I don't mean, so I use this method to apologize and work things out with a person I had a quarrel with.
The only step I don't like is step 5. Telling someone that they are angry may ignite more anger in that person, and could cause the conflict to last longer. From personal experience, I hate it when people tell me I need to settle down when I'm angry. It just makes me angrier! Overall though, this method is really useful for me, and I hope other people will use this method too.
I think this is a great approach Nick! First off, I think it is definitely important to stay calm, don't start yelling at someone...it will make them furious and it will greatly hurt your chances of being able to make a compromise with them. Secondly, I think it is very important to listen to what the other person has to say. By doing this, each person should be able to express their thoughts and come to an agreement. (I also agree with you on step number 5...that could seriously set someone off). This sounds like a good method to use. Great blog Nick! :)
ReplyDeleteProps to nick! Excellent method! I thought it was a method that anyone could use and is practical. I could see this being used in daily life without much thought. Nick and Jaden clearly pointed out the only flaw (to me)in this method...step 5 could really not help the already unstable conditions in the other person or yourself. This model seems like it would take a few minutes maximum. Liked it alot, nice post nick!
ReplyDeleteVery good method nick. I agree with you that telling a person is angry will just get them even more mad. This seems like a quick model to resolving a conflict. Like Peter said, this is a very practical model that anyone could use. Very good model.
ReplyDeleteI guess this a good approach to solving conflicts, but I prefer something with less steps. Step 5 is a little sketchy in my opinion. Instead of "putting a stop to verbal abuse" maybe it should say, "Walk away and settle down if things get verbally abusive." Telling somebody that they are being verbally abusive is probably something you should avoid doing. I like step 4 a lot, because reflective listening always helps! It's a very respectful way of listening, and it's so much easier to talk to somebody who responds to what you are saying. It is such a pet peeve of mine when people just stare blank-faced at me when I'm saying something important. I like being reassured of what I'm saying while I'm saying it.
ReplyDeleteNice blog Nick! sadkjfhasdkfh :o
I think this method flows together really nicely, and without some of the steps the others would simply just not work. I highly doubt that a high percentage of people actually use an online conflict resolving process to solve their problems, but to tell you the truth I think it could be helpful. It would work great to show everyone involved in the conflict this model, that way they would all have to work just as hard for their ending result. My favorite step out of this process is number three. This step is sometimes ignored, and therefore it takes longer for a problem to be resolved. Without putting yourself in someone else's situation, you have no idea why they feel the way they do. Factoring in personal problems may be the key, for if someone is going through something rough, they may have initially started the problem by taking their anger out on someone they shouldn't have.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant job Nick. I agree with Kevin that telling the person that they are saying things they don't mean is a very bad idea. If someone were to tell me that I didn't mean what I was saying, I would get even angrier. Step seven, concerning the visualization, sounded like a hippie wrote it..."imagine the person as a loving spiritual being." I'm not sure that I follow. Haha. But overall, I liked the steps. Seven is not to many steps. After all, as long as the conflict is resolved, who cares how many steps it takes. Actually, having more, specific steps is better than 3 broad steps. (My method had 10 haha.) Nice work.
ReplyDeleteGood job Nick,
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely have to say that step number four has the power to be pretty effective since if the other person realizes that you are open to their ideas and are listening they may be more likely to calm down and discuss it more rationally. I guess if they see you compromising a little and opening the door to being more flexible by at least hearing what they've been saying, then the issue may be solved better.